³ and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

Where to begin??????

Over the past several months, God has been doing a tremendous work in my heart. It began last summer and really kicked into high gear in April, at the So Long Insecurity simulcast in Atlanta, that I blogged about previously. I told you that I had felt that God was “commissioning” me into ministry at that point, but I really had no clue as to where that was headed or even what direction to take with it!

Then, in May, things started going a bit haywire in my family life…NOT in my home family life, but with my parents health (who live in Charleston, SC). My dad had back surgery on May 14th and just never quite recovered the way he should have. He came home for several weeks, but things just weren’t “right”. Then my mom had a scary episode with her heart that resulted in her own hospital stay in the midst of dad trying to recover. Thankfully, hers was quickly discovered  to be something non-life threatening and that she had apparently had her entire life.

THEN Dad went back into the hospital on June 10th. It was scary. No, it was terrifying. The first few days were bad, but the months that have followed proved to be just as confusing and scary, but to the glory of God alone he is finally on the upswing and could even possibly come home next week! If you have been around for all the messy details, you would know just how little control any of us have had on this situation. And by control, I even mean in the way of being informed as to what was truly going on with him. The doctors were stumped. My family was stumped. My dad was NOT himself and at times it truly seemed like he might never be again. Life was hard. The family dynamic was tough. Relationships strained. Life was hard. It was impossible to concentrate on much else, which is a MAJOR occupational hazard for me since I had 4 little people at home demanding and desperately needing my full attention, or at least a functional part of it.

Through all of this, God was working on my heart. I kept reading devotionals about forgiveness and wondering what on earth He wanted me to do. I needed healing, for sure, but from what? And FOR what?

You see, I have always believed that saying that “If God brings you to it, He’ll get you through it.” And even more so, that He’ll have purpose for you in it after you are healed from it. In short, He’ll work through you to use it for HIS good, for the BETTER good, and for HIS Kingdom work. You see it all the time in big Christian speakers. Beth Moore had a past of insecurity and lack of confidence as a women, now she teaches women to overcome that through Christ. Our female ministers were told as children that women were not meant to be in ministry, even though God had told them very clearly that they were. David Ring was told he would never have a family or a career, much less, a ministry, because of his disability…and now he is THRIVING in all 3…and USING his disability as his platform! Amazing. Beautiful. Fulfilling. Contentment. Purpose.

Back to me….well, at the end of July I was preparing to go on a weekend retreat to my FAVORITE retreat spot with a new group of women that i will be serving with this year through Community Bible Study. Throughout the week before the retreat, I felt like God kept saying to me, “This weekend will be about us, you and Me. We’re gonna spend a lot of together, just the 2 of us. And we’re gonna get some healing.” I kept saying to myself that I had made that up and that the purpose of this weekend was NOT for me to concentrate on ME but to build relationships with my new sisters in Christ and to work on training to serve and lead alongside of them. I know that I have the tendency to pull away from social situations and be by myself and I was determined that I would be brave this time and make new friends and find my strength in this new group.

Well, God had His own plans, obviously and HE was even more determined to accomplish the work He had in mind. Over the weekend, we had the glorious mandate to spend 2 hours each morning in complete silence, alone with God. This was AWESOME! And I thought, “hey, this is God’s chance to speak to me one-on-one and then I can go on with being social and making new friends.” Well, that definitely happened, some. I was put into an amazing small group that I will spend the next year with, in prayer, in fellowship, in leadership responsibilities,and in growing in friendships, but other than our when we were together with that group, I really had a hard time connecting. This was really foreign for me because in the recent past, I have the sweet blessing of easily finding similar hearts to share with in conversation and am normally VERY comfortable in groups of Christian women.

But i wasn’t. Not this time. And even found myself questioning God’s call on my life to this position. But I KNEW that He had, in my heart and even in my mind, I knew that He had ordained this for me, but yet again I chose to allow the seed of doubt into my mind because of what my heart was FEELING.

This retreat was based on the most amazing book called Hinds Feet On High Places (which you HAVE to read!) and one of the things we had to do in preparation for the retreat was to come up with a name for ourselves that represented our biggest internal struggle. For example, the main character in the book was named “Much-Afraid” and her cousins were named “Craven Fear” and “Bitterness” , etc…

Throughout this summer, God had put the verse from Proverbs 4:23 in front of me over and over again. It reads:

“Above all else, guard your heart,

for it is a wellspring of life.”

So I decided my name would be “Guarded Heart” because of my tendency to not really allow anyone into my innermost being and to guard myself from building deep, meaningful relationships, or at least to not allow FULL access to my heart to anyone, even my closest friends and loved ones. I honestly did not know how that even works, but I felt like it was one of the things that I deeply lack. Throughout the weekend, God spoke to me about this and more specifically, about my relationships within my family, and even MORE specifically, my relationships with my children.

Confession time: I have always had a VERY short temper with them. God help me. I have screamed, I have been sarcastic, I have berated, I have lacked compassion and empathy, you name it, I couldn’t understand it. I HATED it. I HATED myself when I lost it. I HATED yelling, I HATED the looks on their faces when I said ugly things and was short and impatient with them. I HATED the feelings I had afterward and the thought of them growing up unable to have the mother that God intends for children to have. To not have the safe place to fall, the unconditional love that we are to display as God’s children…You name it, it gave me guilt. And rightfully so. I tried over and over again to figure out solutions, to will myself to be patient. I read parenting books, I prayed continuously and at times it seemed “to work”. I hate using that term b/c it sounds like we are reducing God to a method and that is just not in any way, what He is or provides. God is love. God is healing. God is provision for the lack, whatever it may be. But God is NOT simply a “method” for us to master. He is the Master and we are His “method” for ministry in this world. We are His children and all of the qualities that He has in Himself are available to us through His Holy Spirit living in each of us, even if we have never been “taught” these characteristics here on earth.

So, in a nutshell, that’s what He taught me. Through the most amazing exercise of the weekend, our groups went on “journeys” around the retreat grounds and at the end, we burned those old nametags and those old names. Our group leaders had been faithfully and whole-heartedly praying for God to provide new names for us and scripture to back them up and speak truth into our lives through them. I burned that name tag and stepped up to get my “new name”. I was anointed “Set Free” by my amazing leader and the verse that GOd supplied me with through her is Psalm 119:30-32:

³⁰ I have chosen the way of truth;
I have set my heart on your laws.

³¹ I hold fast to your statutes, O LORD;
do not let me be put to shame.

³² I run in the path of your commands,
for you have set my heart free.

Set my heart FREE! My “guarded heart” has been set FREE! PRAISE BE TO GOD ALONE! And you know what, it WAS! I left that mountain with a new heart, a “new creation” in Christ. a new mother to my children, a new wife, a new daughter, a new friend….SET FREE.

I could go on for hours on that, but time and my day won’t allow it, so here’s the latest news!

This past Monday, during the kids naptime and my study time, God all of a sudden, in a rush, filled my mind with thoughts and ideas for a retreat for our church. I won’t go into detail just yet, because it is VERY much still in the works, but He literally just began overflowing my heart and mind with these ideas. I just happen to have a friend in ministry that is on the committee that facilitates this retreat and started texting away with her about what she thought! I think we must have sent over a hundred texts in the course of an hour and we were both excited. The next morning I e-mailed our minister in charge of another retreat and set up a meeting to talk about my ideas.

The NEXT day, during my study time, I read in our book about how God gives us our life and ministry passions out of our deepest pains…and the ultimate healing through those sweet victories in our lives! All of a sudden, it hit me like a ton of heavenly bricks (which, of course, are gold, so that’s some pretty HEAVY stuff that my ministry was going to come out of my pain. My ministry, that God had commissioned me for way back in April and had ordained for me since the beginning of time, is about being the mothers to our daughters that He means for us to be. It’s about parenting our daughters in a way that directs them towards Christ and shows them that First they are priority to Him and second, that our daughters are high on the list of our own priorities. Their bodies, minds,and spirits are a precious gift and that we are to take responsibility for them as their mothers, something that I could have never done without having surrendered my will to Him and accepted His spirit and provision as my own to parent my girls and boys from His loving, kind, compassionate Spirit.

Amazing. Just yesterday, I was searching for a certain scripture. The one about “beauty from ashes..” and for the life of me, I could not find it in my Bible. I knew that it was highlighted and thought for sure that it was in the book of Isaiah, but couldn’t find it. Then last night, things got hairy. I was exhausted last night and just really wanted to get everyone to bed and get myself to bed as well, knowing that Josh would be gone all day and all weekend for his birthday camping trip. Anyway, I laid down at 8:15 after a quick, painless bedtime routine. Then, I heard the girls talking and Josh tell them to be quiet and go to sleep. Then I heard him walk out the door to start preparing his boat and stuff for his trip. Not 2 minutes later, I heard the bathroom door open upstairs and Maggie scream out “Boo!”

I was FURIOUS. Yet again, (as has been our struggle over the past few weeks with her) she had deliberately disobeyed us and was doing something that she knew was wrong and not acceptable behavior. Josh was outside and I knew that that was the reason she thought she would get away with it. I threw the blankets off of myself and stormed upstairs only to talk very sternly and then take away way too many privileges for that simple offense. I was so angry. Angry at her. angry at me. Angry at God for what I considered as Him failing me in my spirit. I went to bed angry, defeated, and in a spirit of despair about this new work that God had called me to.

Well, God wasn’t having it. At 4am I woke up. And. could.not.go.back.to.sleep.

I kept telling Him NO. I was tired. I needed sleep for the long weekend ahead. NO.

NO.

Nope.

NO!!!!!

At 5am I got up.

I took my time, getting my morning devotional stuff together, washing my hands, getting my favorite quilt, whatever I could do to stall.

Then I finally surrendered. Face down on the floor I said I was sorry.

I picked up my favorite devotional and read todays entry. Nothing too significant except a verse about God giving “the lonely a family” and I was thankful to Him for that.

Then I decided to pick up my other devotional, Beth Moore’s Praying God’s Word. Here is the entry for August 13:

“Your Word declares that we will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor. We will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; we will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations. (Isaiah 61:3b-4)”

Can u guess what verse Isaiah 61:3a is?

“and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair. “

THERE is was!!!! I had been searching for it and there it was! He gave it right to me! So easy, so simple. I obeyed Him and surrendered my will yet again to Him and He immediately provided EXACTLY what I needed! EXACTLY when I needed it!

Beauty from Ashes.

My old name tag lays in a pile of ashes and all that is left is what God has made beautiful and will continue to make beautiful…as long as I continue to surrender my will to His “good and perfect will”.  He anointed me with His “oil of gladness instead of mourning” and just today, He gave me a “garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair”.

God is SO GOOD.

Now, how will I respond?

How will you respond to your ashes? Do you have ashes yet or are you still holding on to that old name tag?

Burn it sister! Let God set you free to find your passion and purpose!

To quote my favorite teacher, “There ain’t no high like the Most High!”

Join me, won’t you?

I told the girls that just like that storm that came upon us so quickly, life will happen the very same way. Before we know it we are in a situation that can be overwhelming, consuming, and often times, even very scary, but that we ALWAYS have the option to do just what we did in our mini-van…get a grip, take a breath, and turn UP God in our lives. He is always there, just like that praise music is always available. Often times there is so much else going on that turning up the praise music seems to be unimportant or even trivial when your body,mind and senses are saying to go into survival mode, but always remember that Christ is there, waiting on you to turn Him up in your life.

Waiting on you to focus your attention and your prayers and your time and your feelings and your worries and your burdens on Him, and He will watch over you, He will quiet you with His presence and He will give you peace…to get you straight through whatever storm you may be “powering through”…until the only remnants remain in your own rear-view mirror and that beautiful peace is all that stands before you.

Thank You Lord for speaking to us, for loving us, and for always showing us the way out of our own storms..

Where to begin…..

This was about 6 weeks ago when this whole journey began…or at least that’s what I thought, but in all reality, it was, of course, all in God’s plans since the beginning of time…or at least for a REALLY long time-considering I bought the ticket for the event back in November…
Anyway, I know that all seems crazy and disconnected, but I’m on a short time limit and have all this running around in my head and really want to get it down while it’s fresh…
So here is the long and short of it….
So, I went to see Beth Moore talk about her new book, “So Long Insecurity, You’ve Been A Bad Friend To Me” yesterday in Atlanta. This book is amazing and has truly brought to light so many truths about myself and about the gender that I share with so many of you! Through this book and much time spent in prayer, God revealed to me that the reason I so deeply desired to be settled into the home that our children would grow up in, that Josh and I would spend our lives together in, and that we would, essentially be living out our lives in, was that I view our home as a critical source of security in my life. AND the reason is that, as a child, and into my college years, my family lived in the same home for that entire time, or at least I did with my parents. So it was an absolute source of stability and security, a symbol of safety and continuity, in the midst of frequent tumultuous times in my life. Don’t get me wrong an almost ideal childhood, with parents that loved me and a big family that gathered together for just about every birthday, holiday, graduation, and any other significant event in our lives. We knew we were special, we knew we were loved, and as the youngest of 5 kids, I pretty much got away with just about anything! My dad loved me unconditionally and I saw first hand the love of Christ in his grace and love for me. My mother stayed home with us and supported each and every extra-curricular whim that we engaged in. We took amazing family vacations, celebrated each and every event with dear friends and even watched several siblings add new members to our growing family through weddings and the birth of my first nephew!
Amid all of the beauty that it was, there were also life-changing, security stealing moments that would change the structure of our family forever.
When I was in 7th grade we received a phone call late at night from my oldest brother’s new wife (Literally, they had been married less than 3 months..) with the news that my 29 year old brother had died.

Life was different from that moment on.

Life was confusing.
Extremely fragile.
Painful, to say the least.
As horrifying situations go, I can see God’s grace and mercy and love all over it now…in the way our friends took care of us, in the way they picked me up minutes after hearing the unthinkable news and swept me away to be with my own dear friends so that me parents could try and start to conceive of the event that had taken place and get into the excrutiating details of his funeral…friends that brought food and send cards and flowers and gathered around us as we entered into this new, unrecognizable life.
Without going into unnecessary details, that one event literally changed the image that I once had of that sweet little life built on security and stability of the life that this earth can so deceptively lull you into.
Don’t get me wrong, I take full responsibilty for each and every bad choice I made. Each friendship I let slip away selfishly in pursuit of one boy or another that I would hope to bring stability back into my life, each person I walked over to get what I wanted, each heart I broke when I quickly moved on in my own deep insecurity, and each time I broke my own parents hearts over these decisions.
Anyway, needless to say, I counted the minuted until graduation and the moment that I could “escape” from that town, never to return. I might mention that my entire family has also left Dalton behind. None of us really even ever visit unless for work or a wedding or some other event. I always knew that my friends probably took that as me thinking I was too good for that sweet little small town, or that I never really cared for them or for it, but that was never true. I longed for my roots, but I longed for roots that weren’t tainted by the reality of the cruelties of my own choices and the inevitable disasters that life brings us sometimes.
Fast forward 12 years from my departure from my homeland to yesterday, when I traveled to Atlanta with new, dear friends to take part in a women’s event. Halfway through the event we took a break for lunch and during that intermission, Beth Moore was scheduled to come into our room and “make an appearance”! We knew the time was getting close and started heading back towards our seats when I noticed a group of women that seemed somehow familiar to me. All at once I realized that I did, in fact know several of them and they were all from my own hometown. In fact, the first woman I recognized was a sweet friend that I used to babysit for in high school. We had very recently reconnected through Facebook and I was overjoyed to be able to hug her neck and even just be in the same room together! Then I realized another woman I knew that is the mother of 2 dear friends from Dalton, who just happened to come up to MTSU with me as well. We also hugged and boasted in the Lord together and briefly got to chat about where everyone was in life..when we were abruptly interrupted by the announcement that Beth Moore had indeed entered the stage…which just happened to be right in front of us!!! We were able to take a quick seat on the floor and she began taking questions from the audience. I raised my hand and hoped for a chance to get a one-on-one (ok, more like one-on-1,000!) with Beth for a question I had about a topic in the book. A few sweet ladies asked her their questions and my hope wained for my chance as the countdown clock dwindled for her to get back to the main arena. One woman in front of me, in the Dalton group, got the microphone, said her name, and where she was from (to which she received applause form her group and another in the balcony also from Dalton!) and asked her question. Beth answered it and moved on. Her assistant handed me the mike since I still had my hand raised and I waited as another woman got her own answers from a very chatty Beth! The assistant, at one point, came to get the mike from me b/c she had been told they were out of time. I was honestly a bit relieved b/c the current question being answered was very similar to my own. In a quick change of events, however, she handed it back to me and I was overwhelmed with adrenaline and far too excited to come up with a new question…even after a desperate plea to my sweet friend Vicki!
So there I was, poised with the mike, which makes me a nervous wreck to begin with, and Beth turned to me for my question. For some strange reason, I felt compelled to say not only where I was curently from, but also where I was “formerly” from. This is so bizarre because I never say that unless it just comes up, but I really think the Holy Spirit was leading me. Anyway, as I spoke it, both groups cheered as they had before. I know, I know, they would have cheered for anyone from their town, but in retrospect, this was hugely symbolic and healing for me. Here I was, worshiping and praising God, shoulder to shoulder with women from my past and it was beautiful, simply beautiful. God ordained this. I have NO doubt that He did. He spoke sweetly into my spirit that I was redeemed from that “old” me the moment I asked Him into my life and He had brought me into this place, as the New Creation that I am today. He whispered into my soul that Dalton isn’t the cause of my pain and the reason for the darkness blinding me from the truth. I was FREE from believing the lies I had bought into for so long that my roots were tainted forever. Free. From something I had no idea I had been in bondage to. To cap it all off, I found out that the very first person that cared about my spiritual heart and would drive literally across the county to pick me up and take me to church with her when I was 8, was also in that room. In the balcony section cheering me on in my 30 year old body and among His own body, the church, that surrounded us.
How can you not believe in a God that orchestrates these things for us? And like a sermon that I had the honor and Providence of hearing this morning, how can we NOT believe and trust Him and the goodness that He is and has for us? I fall into this trap just as often as the next girl, immediately pointing my finger and blaming God for the things that happen in this fallen world, when in all reality, He ALONE is solely responsible for any ounce of goodness we might experience in this life. He calls us to a life of abundance, not mediocrity. A life of purpose, not of insignificance.
He has clothed us with strength and dignity, that we may laugh at the days to come..(Proverbs 31:25)
BELIEVE IT. It’s the only truth that will ever truly set you free…..

Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 31:9-13
9 They will come with weeping;
they will pray as I bring them back.
I will lead them beside streams of water
on a level path where they will not stumble,
because I am Israel’s father,
and Ephraim is my firstborn son.

10 “Hear the word of the LORD, O nations;
proclaim it in distant coastlands:
‘He who scattered Israel will gather them
and will watch over his flock like a shepherd.’

11 For the LORD will ransom Jacob
and redeem them from the hand of those stronger than they.

12 They will come and shout for joy on the heights of Zion;
they will rejoice in the bounty of the LORD—
the grain, the new wine and the oil,
the young of the flocks and herds.
They will be like a well-watered garden,
and they will sorrow no more.

13 Then maidens will dance and be glad,
young men and old as well.
I will turn their mourning into gladness;
I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.

How does the saying go? Tis the season to be jolly, Fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra.. (Yes, I know it’s wrong, but I love the Christmas Story far too much to think of it any other way!)

Anyway…I am really feeling the nudging this year to live simply, especially this Christmas season…and I see the same thought everywhere I go, every blog, every magazine article…EVERYwhere. Is God trying to tell just me something or is this a trend? I would love for it to be a trend..doesn’t that always make transitions easier..if everyone else is doing it? What a crazy thought, that to be obedient and peaceful with my choices, that it could be “easier” because everyone else is doing it! I truly don’t want to BE like everyone else, but I also don’t want to be, well, a freak, you know? I want my children to be loved and accepted for who they are, but I also want them to be set apart from this crazy world and it’s backwards virtues. How do you do that? There are so many beautiful examples of families that actually accomplish this at our church. One, in particular, is my absolute FAVORITE family to sit behind at church on Sundays. I love to watch them as they sing the praise songs and as their teenaged children worship God freely and without looking over their shoulder to see who is watching…..

Anyway, this theme keeps coming up, as God is always faithful to do when He wants to tell us something. The verse I decided upon was Philippians 4:13 “I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.” You hear it all the time, right? Well, as I type this I am also listening to a sermon by one of my favorite pastors, a good friend of ours, Jacob Armstrong at Providence United Methodist in Mt.Juliet, Tn. What verse is he preaching on? Philippians 4:13! What is he talking about? Being content in all situations, in ALL circumstances.

Why is this so important, SO life-changing to me right NOW? Because last week I had my own version of a mini-breakdown. I admit it. I threw a royal fit….with God. I screamed. I cried. I told Him that I knew that He is BIGGER than THIS. This situation. This circumstance. Which one, you might ask? I am ashamed to say, but I will confess it to show you just how selfish and ungrateful a person I REALLY am. I was mad at God for not selling our house yet. For allowing us to find yet another home that I “fell in love with” and that would be “perfect for our family”. I was MAD at God for putting this desire on my heart and not filling it…YET. I was MAD at God for Miller pooping in his pants…AGAIN. I was MAD at God because I have been working so hard to keep the house clean, working SO hard to read my devotionals (all, like 10 of them) everyday, working SO hard to try and BE the woman He wants me to be, and in all reality, to EARN the grace and the reward that He has promised me. Striving. Toiling. Working. IN VAIN. At least in my own mind. I actually decided that I was done with it. Done with trying. Done with thinking about what I NEEDED to do all the time. Done trying to please Him all the time and DONE trying to figure Him out.

Do you know what He said?

GOOD. Now I can actually do something in you. NOW I can actually work with you and use you.

Now that I KNOW that I am useless to God unless I surrender all of me to Him, NOW He can make BIG things happen. I understand that my “righteous acts” are as “filthy rags” to Him, because He is so pure. So righteous. So GOOD. And I am me. I am weak. I am inconsistent. I am flesh..and that’s it! WITHOUT God, that is.

But WITH God, WITH His Spirit in me, “I can DO ALL THINGS” through Christ who strengthens me….

He didn’t tell me this at that moment, like I wanted Him to. He didn’t immediately comfort me with this…or actually maybe He did, but I wasn’t ready to receive it. I repented later that night, for feeling blasphemous and disobedient. I prayed for God to show me how He loves me. I prayed for His love to be all consuming. I prayed to start over with God. Luckily, God happens to be in the business of fresh starts. Of new beginnings. Of doing a “new thing” and giving us a “new song” to sing.

The song “How He Loves Us” by the David Crowder Band has been in my head and heart all weekend and still today. Even as I was sitting on the couch Friday night, I heard Josh playing it on the computer in our room, randomly. I don’t know why, but he was playing it. Then he told me that the praise band would be singing it on Sunday. I didn’t actually get to hear that, because AC had gotten sick, but that was ok. I knew that God wanted me to know that it was being sang.

How has He loved me? Well, He’s told me over and over to just trust Him. Whenever my mind starts going to that place of anxiety, to remember that I trust Him. That He ALONE is trustworthy. Even when I don’t see things happening the way I think they should. To whisper to my Spirit, “I trust You”.

Just a little while ago, as I turned on my laptop to check e-mail and Facebook updates, I came across something that caught my eye, something that a friend had posted. I watched it in amazement and cried and praised God at the same time. Something that God put on my heart a LONG time ago. Something that I had very easily given up on because of life circumstances. Something I very honestly DID NOT WANT anymore. But today, as I watched and read and listened, I heard something that wasn’t on the video clip. I heard something move in my heart. I heard God whisper something in my heart that I realize now that I have been very adamantly pushing out of my mind and heart for a LONG time.

Not that anyone ever reads this, but even so, I am not going to tell you what it is. This is between me and God, at least for now. I’ve got lots of praying to do about it. Lots of spirit searching. But I will tell you this. The fact that I am even CONSIDERING this, is an act of God ALONE. But you know what? I HAVE PEACE. I HAVE TOTAL PEACE about this AND about our house situation, and about just about EVERYTHING else. Because if God is BIG enough to make this happen (and I KNOW that He is), then my God is BIG enough to do anything. And THAT is what I trust.

I couldn’t make this thing happen if I strived day and night. Not a chance. But thankfully, God doesn’t ever want us striving, for anything. If He wants us to have it, He wants us to have peace about receiving it…from Him. That doesn’t mean He doesn’t want us working hard in obedience to Him, just as Nehemiah worked hard after he prayed to God for His wall to be built (yet another story God keeps presenting me with on this journey!). It just means that when we are STRIVING and toiling, that if whatever we are stiriving for is in God’s will for us, striving is NOT part of the process. “Toiling in vain” doesn’t mean “working in vain”, it means “toiling or striving”. That may not make much sense, but I don’t know how to explain it, except that toiling will ALWAYS be in vain.

Trust God. Don’t toil. Don’t strive. Work hard. Pray even harder. “Delight yourself in the Lord and He will GIVE you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4.

“Living with joy and power because you’re connected with Jesus.” -Jacob

-Psalm 42:1 (NIV)

Well, apparently that is all the Lord wants me to give you for now, b/c as hard as I have tried, I can’t copy and paste the entire thing, just this sweet scripture, which reads:

Psalm 42:1

“As a deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for You, oh God.”

Here is the link to read it all for yourself:

http://www.upperroom.org/devotional/default.asp?month=1&day=1&year=2010

Isn’t that simple verse so sweetly, and completely true, though? Even when we don’t know what that longing is, what it is that we are longing for, He shows up as soon as we invite Him into our hearts and take the time away from the world to be with Him alone. As the New Year begins, my mind goes immediately to the decision that we have been putting off for a few months now. Our house.

God has been so trustworthy and faithful to provide peace to my soul about the fact that He has not yet moved us to the “spacious place” that He has promised again and again. I can finally, without a doubt say that I don’t doubt that promise. He has it for us and I can feel the longing that He put there when I see the house of my dreams still sitting on the market, at an unbelievable price…still sitting there, unsold..just like ours.

Our decision was to wait to re-list until after the holidays…and here we are..sitting on the couch, with a much needed day of rest, watching the snow fall and not talking about it…it’s the elephant in the room to me and I so wish that it were not…so many times I’ve pleaded with God to take the desire away but He does not, He leaves it there in hopeful anticipation of the promise to come…

But…

then we have many other decisions to make and lots of work to do before that can happen. Well, not LOTS, but some. The real work comes in the constant upkeep of the house in the hope that we’ll get a call that day to show it. What a crazy thing to have anxiety about, but I do. It makes my stomach hurt, to be honest. Is it just not the “season” of my life, well, my kids lives to be doing this again?  Is it detrimental to their well-being because of the stress it brings me? Isn’t that simply my problem to overcome and be at peace with?

Then, I read today’s (yesterdays, really)devotional and something stirs within me. Whenever I feel the anxiety coming over the house, seek His face. Seek His peace. Seek His comfort and remember His promises.

So beautifully simple.

Peace-not from my surroundings, not from the dream of a bigger house or the false hope of a recovering market. But faith in Him. The One we call Father. Provider. Lover of my soul. Prince of Peace. He created peace to bestow it upon us. Upon me in my desperate seeking of Him. Like a deer panting by a stream and the quenching of that thirst that He creates in us so that we will look only for His face to provide…

I love Him so much. Thank You God. I sing your praises.

It even looked like some amazing family was having their Thanksgiving gathering there when I drove by…you know…all the beautiful leaves scattered all over the yard, several cars in the driveway, sweet, inviting front porch with beautiful mums..ok-not completely sure about the mums, but whatever….

I WANT this house. it even has a sidewalk…do you know what a sidewalk does for my soul??? How stupid is that-a sidewalk, but seriously, it makes my soul sigh….It is right across from the campus school playground, which is petty much just a beautiful park-like setting that my kids could play in as often as they like….and we would all walk, no skip, joyfully, hand-in-hand down the SIDEWALK to our sweet playground and peacefully walk back to our Promised Land home with our 2 golden retrievers awaiting our arrival, Barkley and Molly, quietly wagging their tails and being perfect obedient dogs…OK-maybe I’ve gone too far, with the imaginary freakish dogs….

Why do we do this? Do only women do this? I can SO vividly see this picture in my head, but also FEEL this in my soul0literally IN MY SOUL. My stomach literally hurts thinking that we will very likely not get this house. ours isn’t even on the market…and it’s just so perfect…..I am about to cry….what is it about this that makes me so unravelled?

I am thankful for EVERYTHING that we have and even more thankful to Christ for the provisions that He so generously provides us with, so why this deep, painful longing about this? I have healthy childre-all honor and glory and praise to GOD alone for that….a great marriage and unbelievable husband who couldn’t be any better than he already is…2 dogs, that are, well, sort of ok….

I WANT THIS HOUSE!!!!

Ok-done with that now-obviously God needs to get a hold of me and do His work because I am all of a sudden without peace about our house situation again…but I am so afraid of giving to God, what if He takes this away? I whole-heartedly believe that if so, then He has something even better…but what if in our time together, he says, “No child, not yet” again? I know, that yet again, He will provide healing and peace…but please God, this time, let it be different, let it be our Promised Land…it SO feels like our Promised Land this time…..

And I’ve worked myself into tears, so stupid…..

OK-on to bigger things…

what am I thankful for right now? This fantastic new idea that our Sunday School is starting with a daily e-mail devotional. I think it will be AMAZING and I know that Christ is all over it.  It’s my ‘sweet spot” in ministry again and I praise God for this opportunity.

Who am I thankful for? Amy J.

She had her heart in it to and when her heart is into something, WATCH OUT!!! I just love her so much and really, this sounds ridiculous, but strive to be like her! She is so put together and organized and never late…so the opposite of me…she knows all the rules, real ones and social ones and I never seem to get either of those right!

Anyway,  her heart is awesome and her skills a force to be reckoned with, so with her on board, WATCH OUT world, here HE comes…

OK-still crying…gotta stop before Josh comes in and begins to worry that I’ve lost my mind!

Our Promised Land

What I’m doing….typing as both girls are sleeping in my room and Josh is sleeping under the stars….confession…I HATE when he is gone.
……What I’m thinking about…..hoping that I get to attend Beth Moore’s event in Houston in August-that would be so cool!
….what I need to be doing…sleeping…or at least working on getting there!
Goodnight!