So Long Insecurity…
25 Apr 2010 Leave a Comment
This has been cut and pasted from my Facebook page, so bear with me….
Where to begin…..
This was about 6 weeks ago when this whole journey began…or at least that’s what I thought, but in all reality, it was, of course, all in God’s plans since the beginning of time…or at least for a REALLY long time-considering I bought the ticket for the event back in November…
Anyway, I know that all seems crazy and disconnected, but I’m on a short time limit and have all this running around in my head and really want to get it down while it’s fresh…
So here is the long and short of it….
So, I went to see Beth Moore talk about her new book, “So Long Insecurity, You’ve Been A Bad Friend To Me” yesterday in Atlanta. This book is amazing and has truly brought to light so many truths about myself and about the gender that I share with so many of you! Through this book and much time spent in prayer, God revealed to me that the reason I so deeply desired to be settled into the home that our children would grow up in, that Josh and I would spend our lives together in, and that we would, essentially be living out our lives in, was that I view our home as a critical source of security in my life. AND the reason is that, as a child, and into my college years, my family lived in the same home for that entire time, or at least I did with my parents. So it was an absolute source of stability and security, a symbol of safety and continuity, in the midst of frequent tumultuous times in my life. Don’t get me wrong an almost ideal childhood, with parents that loved me and a big family that gathered together for just about every birthday, holiday, graduation, and any other significant event in our lives. We knew we were special, we knew we were loved, and as the youngest of 5 kids, I pretty much got away with just about anything! My dad loved me unconditionally and I saw first hand the love of Christ in his grace and love for me. My mother stayed home with us and supported each and every extra-curricular whim that we engaged in. We took amazing family vacations, celebrated each and every event with dear friends and even watched several siblings add new members to our growing family through weddings and the birth of my first nephew!
Amid all of the beauty that it was, there were also life-changing, security stealing moments that would change the structure of our family forever.
When I was in 7th grade we received a phone call late at night from my oldest brother’s new wife (Literally, they had been married less than 3 months..) with the news that my 29 year old brother had died.
Life was different from that moment on.
Life was confusing.
Extremely fragile.
Painful, to say the least.
As horrifying situations go, I can see God’s grace and mercy and love all over it now…in the way our friends took care of us, in the way they picked me up minutes after hearing the unthinkable news and swept me away to be with my own dear friends so that me parents could try and start to conceive of the event that had taken place and get into the excrutiating details of his funeral…friends that brought food and send cards and flowers and gathered around us as we entered into this new, unrecognizable life.
Without going into unnecessary details, that one event literally changed the image that I once had of that sweet little life built on security and stability of the life that this earth can so deceptively lull you into.
Don’t get me wrong, I take full responsibilty for each and every bad choice I made. Each friendship I let slip away selfishly in pursuit of one boy or another that I would hope to bring stability back into my life, each person I walked over to get what I wanted, each heart I broke when I quickly moved on in my own deep insecurity, and each time I broke my own parents hearts over these decisions.
Anyway, needless to say, I counted the minuted until graduation and the moment that I could “escape” from that town, never to return. I might mention that my entire family has also left Dalton behind. None of us really even ever visit unless for work or a wedding or some other event. I always knew that my friends probably took that as me thinking I was too good for that sweet little small town, or that I never really cared for them or for it, but that was never true. I longed for my roots, but I longed for roots that weren’t tainted by the reality of the cruelties of my own choices and the inevitable disasters that life brings us sometimes.
Fast forward 12 years from my departure from my homeland to yesterday, when I traveled to Atlanta with new, dear friends to take part in a women’s event. Halfway through the event we took a break for lunch and during that intermission, Beth Moore was scheduled to come into our room and “make an appearance”! We knew the time was getting close and started heading back towards our seats when I noticed a group of women that seemed somehow familiar to me. All at once I realized that I did, in fact know several of them and they were all from my own hometown. In fact, the first woman I recognized was a sweet friend that I used to babysit for in high school. We had very recently reconnected through Facebook and I was overjoyed to be able to hug her neck and even just be in the same room together! Then I realized another woman I knew that is the mother of 2 dear friends from Dalton, who just happened to come up to MTSU with me as well. We also hugged and boasted in the Lord together and briefly got to chat about where everyone was in life..when we were abruptly interrupted by the announcement that Beth Moore had indeed entered the stage…which just happened to be right in front of us!!! We were able to take a quick seat on the floor and she began taking questions from the audience. I raised my hand and hoped for a chance to get a one-on-one (ok, more like one-on-1,000!) with Beth for a question I had about a topic in the book. A few sweet ladies asked her their questions and my hope wained for my chance as the countdown clock dwindled for her to get back to the main arena. One woman in front of me, in the Dalton group, got the microphone, said her name, and where she was from (to which she received applause form her group and another in the balcony also from Dalton!) and asked her question. Beth answered it and moved on. Her assistant handed me the mike since I still had my hand raised and I waited as another woman got her own answers from a very chatty Beth! The assistant, at one point, came to get the mike from me b/c she had been told they were out of time. I was honestly a bit relieved b/c the current question being answered was very similar to my own. In a quick change of events, however, she handed it back to me and I was overwhelmed with adrenaline and far too excited to come up with a new question…even after a desperate plea to my sweet friend Vicki!
So there I was, poised with the mike, which makes me a nervous wreck to begin with, and Beth turned to me for my question. For some strange reason, I felt compelled to say not only where I was curently from, but also where I was “formerly” from. This is so bizarre because I never say that unless it just comes up, but I really think the Holy Spirit was leading me. Anyway, as I spoke it, both groups cheered as they had before. I know, I know, they would have cheered for anyone from their town, but in retrospect, this was hugely symbolic and healing for me. Here I was, worshiping and praising God, shoulder to shoulder with women from my past and it was beautiful, simply beautiful. God ordained this. I have NO doubt that He did. He spoke sweetly into my spirit that I was redeemed from that “old” me the moment I asked Him into my life and He had brought me into this place, as the New Creation that I am today. He whispered into my soul that Dalton isn’t the cause of my pain and the reason for the darkness blinding me from the truth. I was FREE from believing the lies I had bought into for so long that my roots were tainted forever. Free. From something I had no idea I had been in bondage to. To cap it all off, I found out that the very first person that cared about my spiritual heart and would drive literally across the county to pick me up and take me to church with her when I was 8, was also in that room. In the balcony section cheering me on in my 30 year old body and among His own body, the church, that surrounded us.
How can you not believe in a God that orchestrates these things for us? And like a sermon that I had the honor and Providence of hearing this morning, how can we NOT believe and trust Him and the goodness that He is and has for us? I fall into this trap just as often as the next girl, immediately pointing my finger and blaming God for the things that happen in this fallen world, when in all reality, He ALONE is solely responsible for any ounce of goodness we might experience in this life. He calls us to a life of abundance, not mediocrity. A life of purpose, not of insignificance.
He has clothed us with strength and dignity, that we may laugh at the days to come..(Proverbs 31:25)
BELIEVE IT. It’s the only truth that will ever truly set you free…..
Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 31:9-13
9 They will come with weeping;
they will pray as I bring them back.
I will lead them beside streams of water
on a level path where they will not stumble,
because I am Israel’s father,
and Ephraim is my firstborn son.
10 “Hear the word of the LORD, O nations;
proclaim it in distant coastlands:
‘He who scattered Israel will gather them
and will watch over his flock like a shepherd.’
11 For the LORD will ransom Jacob
and redeem them from the hand of those stronger than they.
12 They will come and shout for joy on the heights of Zion;
they will rejoice in the bounty of the LORD—
the grain, the new wine and the oil,
the young of the flocks and herds.
They will be like a well-watered garden,
and they will sorrow no more.
13 Then maidens will dance and be glad,
young men and old as well.
I will turn their mourning into gladness;
I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.
